Match etiquette, handles, and my new-found pickiness.

Sooooo . . . I was a psych major in college, and I love to psycho-analyze people (and things) wherever I go. So: Match.com. Even if I end up an old maid, it has at least provided me with a really fabulous playground for my psychoanalysis.

One thing that struck me immediately on Match was people's handles. You have to create a little name for yourself that is both your sign-in name and also the handle that goes along with your profile. When you search for people on Match, you're provided with a list of, er, matches, and all thats shown on this list is the person's primary photo, their handle, and their little witty opening line. The handles that people choose (1) amuse me to no end and (2) have become a basis for me to click or not click on a profile. Which I think is both snobby and smart of me.

For example: one guy is "NJ raver 1" or something. Um, no. Raving is so 1990s, and even if you're not into it, something made you choose that to describe yourself. If its just your side job as an Ecstasy dealer, I don't want to hear about that either. Another guy is "JoeysLimo." A thing about Joey. At first, I gasped when I saw that-- in New York/Brooklyn, if you describe yourself as Joey's Limo, you might as well just tattoo your forehead with the phrase "fuhgeddaboudit". But he intrigued me (cause I laughed), so I clicked on Joey's profile. Then I laughed and laughed and laughed. Joey had uploaded at least 20 photos of himself for his profile. Every single one was self-taken of Joey at the wheel of his, I'm presuming, limo. I don't think Joey meant this to be funny in the way that I found it, or funny at all. I think he thought he was actually taking good pictures of himself, and missed the joke completely about him and his limo. Then there are the guys who just brag-- in their handles!!-- like, "NY Doctor and Lawyer," "moneybags," etc. Dude. Come on.

The handles is just one thing in what I've discovered is my profound pickiness on Match. I've realized, when you meet someone in person, and you talk and laugh and have a great time and you really like the guy, you (or at least I) tend to overlook certain other things as a result because you're like, "but he's SO funny! its OK that he's 5'1"." But on Match, you have no idea if you'll get along, so I feel like that gives me free reign to just knock guys out right and left. At times I feel bad-- 'this could be your soulmate, are you sure you don't want to give it a shot just because he lists 'The Da Vinci Code' as his favorite book?' But then I get over it. Because, you know what, I've spent a great many years overlooking things in men, and now its time to look out for me. Also, as described in a previous blog, Match is just one resource for me, so it's not like I need to contact everyone on there.

And, I've also been recently knocking guys out because of their lack of pickiness. Match allows you to talk about yourself at length, but then there's a whole section on what you want in your match. Some guys have this whole thing blank, or filled in with the catch-all response 'any.' This goes for height, body type, job, education level, whether you smoke or drink, religion, race. . . Now some of those things I also have "any" allowed, but your whole match can be 'any'? Tell me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that sort of reek of desperation? "I'll take anything!! Please, just give me a woman, any woman!!"

Speaking of what you want in a match, this leads me to Match etiquette. I always check a guy's wants in his match to make sure I fit it before I contact him. This is both a sort of self-defense mechanism but mainly to make sure I respect what he's looking for. Do I get the same respect in return? No. Like I said, I have a few categories that are 'any', but I also have a few that are clearly filled in with certain specifics in mind, and I did that for a reason. The reason is I'm fucking 30 years old and I fucking know what I'm fucking looking for. So I'm sorry, but why must every 5'2", divorced with 3 kids who live at home, high-school educated man in the NY area contact me? I know that sounds slightly horrible, but come on! You asked for it. Read my damn profile. Read it!! It says RIGHT THERE what I want. And if you're not it, you're not it! Move on! Read it and say, "Oh, how sad, she doesn't want to take care of my rugrats, guess I won't contact her." Don't read it and say, "Oh, look, she wants a guy without kids. Thats OK, I'll contact her anyway, I'll woo her with my profile charm.. . " No. And before you all start thinking how snobby I am, its not just me, either. I've actually seen men's profiles with variations of "please respect my match requests." Ha.