He made me dinner! And bathing suits.

Yep. Senor Nerd. And it was good-- really good! And he used whole-wheat pasta cause he knows I'm trying to eat healthy. How cute is that?

OK, every time I get together with my friends they yell at me about the lack of activity on my blog. I'm sorry people!! Because I value the integrity of my writing/stories, I only write the truth. Therefore it follows that I must go on blog-worthy dates to have experiences to write about. And although it doesn't seem far off, I'm not quite at the level of pimping myself out on dates just for y'all's entertainment. However! I am conversing with a few men right now which I assume will lead to a first date, so fear not.

So, since I haven't had any dates to talk about (besides one-- did I mention he made me dinner?) I'm reverting back to making fun of people. Well, one person.

Here's the thing. After much deliberation, I added as one of my Match profile pictures (you can have up to 25 or something) a picture of me in a bathing suit. This took major cojones, because like most people I have problems with the way I look and definitely the way I look in a bathing suit. However, it's as flattering a shot I've ever seen, and I was having an issue. My issue was that the multiple choice answer I chose for my Match 'body type' was 'curvy,' which I am. I started to think-- and was corroborated in my thoughts by a friend who told me that a guy actually told her this was true-- that men might think 'curvy' is a euphemism for 'fat.' Curvy I am, fat I am not. Some dudes don't find me attractive and others do, obviously. So I wanted to preserve the 'curvy' answer for those awesome guys who appreciate a woman who looks like a woman, while also showing that I am not fat. Hence, the bikini picture. You can see I have thighs, hips, boobs, and a little meat (more cushion for the pushin', I say), but you can also see that I am not a poster child for gastric-bypass surgery.

The good news is that many men still contact me, and I'll never have to know about those who look at me in a bikini and don't contact me because of it. However, I recently got an email from a Match guy, and this is who I am going to make fun of.

Here is what he wrote: "hello pretty lady. i like your profile especially the bikini pic. i just want to grab u. i have a really nice bod also, u might not be able to tell in my pics."

OK. Obviously, it is always flattering to be told someone likes the way you look in a bikini and that you have "a really nice bod." But is it really necessary to tell me that you "just want to grab" me? That sort of turned the whole thing from a compliment into a weird sexual context, no? And why the "u" in an email? Just type the extra two letters. And "bod"? Also, that was the extent of the email (well, beyond a 'get back to me' and his name), so between telling me he wants to grab me and telling me about his own nice bod, it's like, what the fuck? Even if I didn't find that email kind of creepy, what sort of dialogue are you hoping to initiate with an email like that? I can see my response now: "Hi! Thanks for noticing my hot bod. I'm glad yours is equally hot because I'd really love to grab u 2!!!! So, who do you think will get the Democratic nomination?" Sheesh.

On another, but related, note, I got another Match email from another guy with the subject line "hey there cutie." This bothers me also, although I'm not entirely sure why. I think what it boils down to is your first email is my first impression of you, so it's akin to you hitting on me in a bar. And while I always appreciate being called cute and do kind of think it's sweet of this guy to admit it, I think that if he approached me in a bar with the line "hey there, cutie" I wouldn't fall for it. Plus, I've gotten so many other emails from guys where what they focus on is something I actually wrote in my profile. They make a joke about me or it in their subject line . . . so perhaps I feel that to write "hey there cutie" as opposed to something more intellectual suggests that this dude is focusing more on my looks than on my personality. Which is a harsh thing to say coming from someone who posted a picture of herself in a bikini on her profile, but that same person also used 1900 of the maximum 2000-word limit to describe herself and what she is looking for, so.

No matter what I write my sister is going to tell me I'm mean.

Lesson of the day: You are all a bunch of fuckers. Not a single one of you emailed with a dating story, as per my Assignment America. So you just want me to date and date until my brain explodes, and write all about it to help you live vicariously through me, or perhaps just to procrastinate at work, and I don't get a single bit of effort on your part at all? Selfish readers! For shame. Thank you for your attention.