I have Match stalkers. How quaint.

So, any of my loyal followers know about the man I affectionately refer to as "Cat Boy," who also goes by "Bob," who can be read about in the blog post from April 29, 2008, entitled "The Cat Story."

For some unknown reason, Cat Boy text messages me the other day (a full month after I told him to go away, and a full month with no contact whatsoever). His text message says something like, 'we almost ran into each other the other day [he lives in my 'hood]. how have you been?' So I write back something pleasant-but-why-are-you-texting-me: 'Oh? I'm fine.' So he writes back, 'yeah, and it was weird because I was just thinking about you. We should grab a beer and catch up. I want to see you.' Get a beer and catch up? Catch up? Dude, I don't need more friends. I have plenty of friends. And about what exactly are we 'catching up' on? For chrissakes.

This guy is worse. He wrote me for the first time in late April, maybe? I didn't write back, because he/his profile wasn't as appealing to me as others. So he wrote me a second email maybe 2 weeks later, expanding on why I should write to him. I figured he was putting a lot of effort into me, so I'd give him a chance. I write back and ask him something mundane like where he's from. He proceeds to write me this long-ass email describing his day that day, which, as a public-interest attorney, consisted of giving a lecture on the 4th Amendment to a Police Academy. But he wrote like 2 long paragraphs about the nature of his speech, and how it can sometimes be 'intimidating' addressing a roomfull of cops. Now, to anyone I think the email would have seemed arrogant and braggy, but to a cop, it was not only that but also it just fell so flat of being impressive-- which is what he was clearly going for. I just wanted to write to him and tell him to be mindful of his audience, cause you don't know what you're writing to who, you know? He's just lucky he didn't say anything bad about cops.

So I don't write back. Maybe 3-4 weeks later, I get another email from him, entitled something like 'my third try.' I have cut-and-pasted it for your amusement (I would've done so with the others but they aren't saved in Match for that long....): "I thought it would behoove me to write to you but one more time, hoping for some sort of continuous exchange of sweetly comedic nerdity. I decided to paint for you a paragraph: I'm sweetly sardonic, which is kinduv a rare thing (most sarcasm rots away in a sea of dark and rather unpleasant wit). I am graceful in my goofiness and I can give you an analysis of Muholland Drive that will knock you off your ass (really). I'd like to shift between irreverence and acute pertinence with you at one time or another." What? Dude, give it a rest! Sweetly comedic nerdity? Nerdity? You want to shift between irreverence and acute pertinence? What? I want to shift between you're-trying-too-hard and leave-me-the-fuck-alone. Then maybe my fist will shift into your balls. By accident.

So I write back. Something like this: "Your persistence is impressive. And I appreciate your offer of a Mullholland Drive break-down. I'm actually more or less dating someone now, seeing how it goes . . . so thanks again for flattering me with your numerous emails, and good luck with Match." It's only half-true, but I figured telling him I was seeing somebody would save his pride a bit more than me telling him he's a stupid jerk who can't write emails. However, dude is SO not intent on saving his own pride.

Not hours after I send my thanks-but-no-thanks email, I get this response email: "Well, my personality, wit, intelligence, humour, and artistic ability, to name a few, are even more impressive. You're missing out by not giving me a chance. Take care (no need to write back, it's over, as you said). " OK. One hour after that email, I get this: "Actually, if that last email sounded bitter (it probably did), then I apologize. Bottom line is that I take a lot of stock in myself, and when I see someone who I like, I don't take rejection well. Frankly, the idea of two attractive, intelligent, humorous, creative people not spending time and enjoying each other's company as friends is foreign to me. Whatever the case, best of luck."

You don't take rejection well? Dude, this is online dating. I get rejected on a daily basis, and I don't go home and cry about it. And enjoying each other's company as friends? What's with these guys? We're not doing online dating to make friends! Maybe I should email him back and ask if he wants to grab a beer and 'catch up'? Christ.

Lesson of the day: Boys are stupid.