Sexy Pumpkins

A Halloween post, in honor of one of my all-time favorite holidays. (What can I say? I'm a total sucker for dressing up, and the candy doesn't hurt either.)

However, rather than extoll the virtues of this grand day, I'm going to take this opportunity to write about a problem with Halloween that is near and dear to my heart: "sexy" costumes.

You guys know what I mean. I don't mean costumes that by their nature are sexy, like a stripper. I also will give a pass to certain costumes that aren't sexy most of the time but are given an extra dose of sex on Halloween based on long-standing, general fantasy, such as schoolgirls, cops, nurses, maids. Mind you, you will not see me dressed as a schoolgirl in public, but I will give the pass.

And, I get it. I totally get it. We all-- men and women-- want to look sexy. Those of us who wear jeans, sneakers, and t-shirts to work and get told we "dress like a little boy" by our male coworkers really want the opportunity to go as feminine as possible. But because you're wearing a costume, psychologically women are able to think-- and the rest of the world accepts-- "I'm not a whore, I'm just dressed up as one because it's Halloween." It's totally the one day a year where we get a free pass to dress as sexy as we want with no repurcussions.

However, there are still problems with this. First, I think there's a way to do sexy without looking like a whore. There's a way to do sexy without looking like a complete moron. My rule is, you should not look like you are dressing like a whore just because you can. You should not buy one of those "Legs Avenue" costumes (that they sell in porn stores year-round as fantasy outfits, fyi) just because it's Halloween. If you have to look like a total slut, at least make it funny and/or creative and/or homemade.

Second, it's total misogyny. Do a search for the "sexy" costumes on a website and they are ALL for women. Why don't men seize Halloween to advertise their inner trollop? More importantly, why isn't it expected for men the way it is for women? It just boils my blood.

So, that being said, I will punch in the face any girl I see tomorrow wearing any of the following costumes (which exist, I took all of these from Halloween costume websites): sexy pilgrim, sexy Uncle Sam, sexy bee, sexy FBI agent (I don't wear hot pants and a midriff-baring bustier to work, sorry), sexy Raggedy Ann, sexy "Tin Girl" and Scarecrow (from the Wizard of Oz. . .), sexy Eve (as in, from the Bible), sexy Napoleon, sexy corpse bride (really??). . . ugh,I can't even finish the list.

But I will close with my number 1, all-time most hated sexy costume. This exemplifies so well the misogyny at play: Spongebob Squarepants. If you want to go as Spongebob, expect to be dressed as a giant, Velveeta-colored hunk of square foam all night. It's funny. And alas, the hunk of foam costume is juuuuust fine for men:



And here's the women's version:


Are you fucking kidding me?