Thursday, September 18, 2008

I love white people!!

I love all other peeps too. . . It's just, you know. . . I'm white, my family is white . . . is it wrong to have a little pride? It's been a rough ride for us white folks, you know, historically and all. Gimme a break once in a while.

Anyhoo, my sister (who's also white!) introduced me to the website Stuff White People Like awhile ago. This is a truly hysterical, entertaining site (and satirical, people . . . don't get your white or non-white panties in a bunch). Besides the funny general articles about white people, it's like a game for white people to play: look at the Full List of Stuff White People Like and see how many you fit! And how many you don't fit, so you can be like, "oooh, that's not me! I'm sooooo soulfull! I'm so ethnic!"

How do I rate so far? Before my induction to this website, I thought I was a fairly non-white white person. I have many facts for this claim: I have many non-white friends. I dated a black guy! My favorite music is old-skool soul and R&B. Um. . . . that's about it, but if you weight those facts, the math will show you that I'm at least, what, like Puerto Rican or something.

And the website supports me. I do not like rugby (#95), St. Patrick's Day (#89), outdoor performance clothes (#87). I despise shorts (#86) and lord knows how I love my TV (#28). Unfortunately, out of the now 109 things on The List, I think I totally embody like 100 of them. Even weighted, I don't think a black boyfriend can override the severity of my love of sushi (#42), grammar (#99), Arrested Development (#38), and coffee (#1). And in fact, I think me even trying to gain street cred with my black ex-boyfriend makes me whiter (#14).

Well, as I was perusing this site today, I came across #104 on The List, and all of my dreams of being cool and not-so-white were shattered. I literally embody #104, "Girls With Bangs." I quote: "It is a known fact that white people love women who wear their hair with bangs that hang straight down." Shit!! That's totally my haircut. It gets worse: "But for white people, this simple haircut makes a bold declaration by saying that the wearer is artistic, deep, and has probably dated a guy in a band you like . . . For white people, the haircut-with-bangs is an important symbol that a female has completed her transformation from a nerdy girl to a cool woman."

Well, I'm definitely deep and totally cool, although I've never dated a guy in a band. I will say that for me, I don't think I've completed my transformation, even with my "white" hair: I'm in the middle-- I'm a nerdy cool woman. Alas, I think I'm getting a little too technical, which is probably another affliction of me being white. And do you all want to know the most embarrassing thing about this? I brought in a picture of Lindsay Lohan to my hairstylist when I got my bang haircut. Lindsay fucking Lohan. Jesus, I should just kill myself. She had really great bangs, though.

Shout-Out of the Day: Copycat Emily and Shirlotta, I'm friends with you out of some deep-seated unconscious racial need! Although I'm technically exempt from this one, but still. I can't resist you Asian girls.

6 comments:

jax said...

Braids...where do I begin? A picture of Lindsay Lohan? La-Lo?!!! OMG! I just cannot imagine you doing that... and yet... the very first time I got my hair cut boy short (yeah, BOY short), I brought in a picture of Gwyneth Paltrow, when she was dating Brad Pitt, and they had like the same hair... But jeez, it was Gwyneth! She's cool! She was a smoker, married a bad ass rocker, and named her kids retarded names! Anyway, I digress... La-Lo?!!! Say it ain't so!!! :)

Unknown said...

aw, braids. you can borrow my yellowness to decrease the blinding whiteness of your being any day. heh heh. although i have to say, i also love sushi, grammar, arrested development, and coffee... i haven't been able to check the full list, but i'll get back to you on how white i am.

Unknown said...

ooo i lost patience after #84. these things aren't exclusive to white people! for instance, i love the onion, sweaters, children's games, scarves, free healthcare, music piracy, and dinner parties. feh. that just means i have a sense of humor, i don't like being cold, i want everyone to get a chance at healthiness, i like free stuff in general, and i like to eat.

Braids said...

I think, Shirlotta, that maybe you're just white. And in deep, deep denial.

MOSPEADA said...

I don't like 22 of the things White people like. That makes me just under 80% White. Which seems about right. My arms and neck tan up real nice, and that's about 20% of my overall skin area . . .

That's how this works . . .right?

grneyegrl said...

I am 45% white! Can I love Brooklyn although I have never been (not sure on Manhattan)? Can I love Wrigley but hate the Cubs? The three times I have had sushi I have really liked it, does that count?! This might be flawed ‘cause I am one of the whitest girls you will ever meet.