What's Going On?

Hello children. Before you say it, I miss myself. I know I haven't posted in awhile. I almost feel like going on a couple of ludicrous dates just to have something to write about.

I went on one date Friday and another Saturday. Friday's was boring: nice cute guy, fun date, no spark. Saturday's was with the subject of the "good date" nerd blog! Another good date!

As far as blogworthiness goes . . . the subject of Friday's date said nothing-- nothing!-- about my job. He asked what I do. I said, "I'm a Federal agent." He said, "Wow! Cool." And then we talked about something else. He did not ask what agency I work for, he did not ask what I actually do as a Fed, nothing! What's up with that, loyal readers? Do we think he was just intimidated? First of all, and not to toot my own horn or anything, but I have a damn cool job. And even if you don't think it's as cool as I do, you're on a first date. Don't first date rules dictate that you make small talk about people's jobs? Sheesh.

Saturday's date with Senor Nerd was fun! He has potential, people. And I have nothing more to make fun of him about. However, I can make fun of our date! After an hour walk in Central Park, dinner, and drinks, we went to a comedy club. The show consisted of short sets by like 15 different amateur stand-up comediens. Now, from the performances, I can safely say that amateur stand-up comediens revolve their sets around two general themes: race jokes and sex jokes. I don't think I mentioned this but Senor Nerd is black, whereas I am white. In New York interracial couples are a dime a dozen so this isn't an issue-- until you go to an amateur stand-up show. The good news is that he laughed at all the race jokes (which, of course, are rarely about white people). I could have expected this: on our first date, when he told me about D&D, I told him, "I'd actually like to know how many black men are into Dungeons and Dragons," and he replied that he was probably the only one. He then said, "Yeah, some of my friends told me I need to be really careful running around the woods with a whole bunch of white guys," which I thought was hysterical (it's funny because it's true!)-- maybe he can have his own stand-up act.

It was the sex stuff that makes for a good blog. Have you ever watched sex-related things on a second date? It's kind of like watching sex scenes in the movies with your parents, but much worse, because, you know, there's sexual tension between the two of you so each joke just tweaks the tension. Ha! Funny discomfort, let me tell you. And I have both an active imagination and a ridiculously logical mind, which makes for intense brain-vs-imagination jousting matches on virtually everything I encounter, so you can imagine the battles in my head during this. (Example: a female comic describes the lack of oral sex skills of a man she is no longer dating. My brain: illicits laughter and an analysis of her relationship and personality; my imagination: takes everything she is saying, multiplies it by 100, applies it to Senor Nerd, plots an escape route from the club so I just won't have to deal with the situation, then changes course to show me the X-rated visuals of Nerd and myself it has come up with, which makes me blush . . . etc. etc.)

But it gets worse! I am by no means a prude, and thanks to my job, I am very comfortable being in the middle of cursing, sexual harrassment, and man talk. I've heard it all and then some. And therein lies the comedy-- change the situation and you can change the person. A white male comic describes how a black girl he was dating broke up with him because his junk wasn't up to the par of the black men she's been with. Holy shit, people! Can you feel the pain of being in this situation? Hahaha! In my normal life I would've shot back with some witty naughty remark, but on a date with a black man it's all I can do to just blush profusely and thank god the lights are dim. The worst moment was during the last comic-- his ending joke-story was about how he convinced his girlfriend to let him come on her face. Yeah. It was actually a really funny story, but holy pornographic! And then, like, if I laugh, am I perverted? If he doesn't laugh, is he easily offended? Does the fact that I have my hand on his knee during the performance suddenly take on a whole new life once pornography is introduced? Ah, the dating golden moments. In the end, we took the safe route-- we both laughed at the comics, and then never spoke of it again.

Lesson of the day: It's probably a safe bet to just avoid stand-up comedy during early dates. I actually thought later that it's a good thing I saw Tracy Morgan with a girlfriend and not Senor Nerd, because Tracy is DAMN dirty. And his bit about the difference, as a black man, between banging white girls and banging black girls almost certainly would have made me choke on my drink in certain company.