I love white people!!

I love all other peeps too. . . It's just, you know. . . I'm white, my family is white . . . is it wrong to have a little pride? It's been a rough ride for us white folks, you know, historically and all. Gimme a break once in a while.

Anyhoo, my sister (who's also white!) introduced me to the website Stuff White People Like awhile ago. This is a truly hysterical, entertaining site (and satirical, people . . . don't get your white or non-white panties in a bunch). Besides the funny general articles about white people, it's like a game for white people to play: look at the Full List of Stuff White People Like and see how many you fit! And how many you don't fit, so you can be like, "oooh, that's not me! I'm sooooo soulfull! I'm so ethnic!"

How do I rate so far? Before my induction to this website, I thought I was a fairly non-white white person. I have many facts for this claim: I have many non-white friends. I dated a black guy! My favorite music is old-skool soul and R&B. Um. . . . that's about it, but if you weight those facts, the math will show you that I'm at least, what, like Puerto Rican or something.

And the website supports me. I do not like rugby (#95), St. Patrick's Day (#89), outdoor performance clothes (#87). I despise shorts (#86) and lord knows how I love my TV (#28). Unfortunately, out of the now 109 things on The List, I think I totally embody like 100 of them. Even weighted, I don't think a black boyfriend can override the severity of my love of sushi (#42), grammar (#99), Arrested Development (#38), and coffee (#1). And in fact, I think me even trying to gain street cred with my black ex-boyfriend makes me whiter (#14).

Well, as I was perusing this site today, I came across #104 on The List, and all of my dreams of being cool and not-so-white were shattered. I literally embody #104, "Girls With Bangs." I quote: "It is a known fact that white people love women who wear their hair with bangs that hang straight down." Shit!! That's totally my haircut. It gets worse: "But for white people, this simple haircut makes a bold declaration by saying that the wearer is artistic, deep, and has probably dated a guy in a band you like . . . For white people, the haircut-with-bangs is an important symbol that a female has completed her transformation from a nerdy girl to a cool woman."

Well, I'm definitely deep and totally cool, although I've never dated a guy in a band. I will say that for me, I don't think I've completed my transformation, even with my "white" hair: I'm in the middle-- I'm a nerdy cool woman. Alas, I think I'm getting a little too technical, which is probably another affliction of me being white. And do you all want to know the most embarrassing thing about this? I brought in a picture of Lindsay Lohan to my hairstylist when I got my bang haircut. Lindsay fucking Lohan. Jesus, I should just kill myself. She had really great bangs, though.

Shout-Out of the Day: Copycat Emily and Shirlotta, I'm friends with you out of some deep-seated unconscious racial need! Although I'm technically exempt from this one, but still. I can't resist you Asian girls.

Friday means lists.

Things I hate:

- Babies-as-flowers photography. Babies-as-anything photography,for that matter. Babies are pretty cute on their own. Why muck them up by making me want to vomit?

- Commercials that address babies. People, you have your marketing audience aaaaall wrong. The babies aren’t actually buying the diapers!! You don’t need to entice them!

- Pimps. Don't get me started

- Shredded iceberg lettuce. In salads, sandwiches, anywhere. It should not exist. Why is it so gross?

- Chewing tobacco. More gross than shredded iceberg.

Things I love:

- Infomercials where they show people having a really hard time doing normal things, like boiling water and using scissors. Such entertainment.

- Sour Patch Kids commercials, the French bull California cheese commercial ("Hello ladies, je m'appelle Bob!"), and the gibberish-talking stain Tide pen commercial.

- The smell of the supermarket coffee aisle and sulphur from recently-lit matches

- The Burger King king. Yes, he's creepy, but in the funniest way.

- Little kids falling. Actually, anyone falling. The best falls are really bad ones, which are made better when people get up really fast and look around and just sort of pretend it didn’t happen. . . . priceless.

- America's Funniest Videos (AFV). It used to be uncool, probably due entirely to Bob Saget as the host. But now it's some funny shit. If only for the 2-minute montages made up entirely of clips of people falling. I love both the montages and the fact that someone else loves it so much they make the montages

- Animals stealing stuff from unsuspecting others. My friend sent me this video and I laughed for hours. I re-wound it to watch the 3rd clip, with that utterly confused but nonchalant kangaroo, like 15 times in a row. THAT is comedy. (Also, this clip comes to us from AFV, so. Holla.)

Lesson of the day: This blog leaves out the obvious and annoying to state, such as that I hate Sarah Palin’s stoopit face and I love my friends and the way Joe giggles (he calls it “chuckling”) . . . Y'all don't need to know all that. AFV, ya needs ta know.